Remember to click G+1 if you like a post... It will make me happy :-)

14 June 2011

Mutant Chronicles (2008)

Necromutant from The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008
Necromutant from The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008


What on Earth was I thinking?

Mutant Chronicles is every bit as bad as it sounds. I knew it was going to be bad, but I really didn't have any inkling just how bad it was going to be.

It's pretty bad!

I was on a high when I bought this DVD. I'd been watching The Hills Have Eyes and I needed my fix of mutant madness! This was not what I was after.

Mutants attack in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008
Mutants attack in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008


The film is set in the 23rd Century at a time when four Corporations rule the Earth. War is being waged across each of the continents as the Corporations battle for scarce resources. It's not clear what these scarce resources are, but it's largely irrelevant anyway, as this is all a flimsy segway into a war against the Mutants. Did I say Mutants? What I meant to say was Necromutants!

Anna Walton slices and dices mutants in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008
Anna Walton slices and dices mutants
in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008


Apparently sometime in the past a machine came from 'outer space' and started turning men into mutants. It's not clear to me why it would do this, but it did. Somehow the women were spared the transformation. Anyway, a sect of monks known as the 'Brotherhood' hid the Machine only for it to be uncovered by accident many years later. And what do you know... the war's back on!

But wait a minute... If the monks are so clever, then why didn't they destroy the machine instead of hiding it? So many questions... So few answers...

Anyway, it's up to a swiftly assembled gang of soldiers to head off on a quest to find and destroy the Machine... with swords. Yawn.

John Malkovich wishes he was anywhere other than in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008
John Malkovich wishes he was anywhere other than
in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008


Okay, the story is sh*t, but what about the excellent cast? Well, John Malkovich is in the film for about three minutes. I know it's part of his style, but he seemed to be struggling to remember what few lines he had. Ron Perlman is in the film too. I notice that they can't spell his name correctly on the back sleeve. Ooh, I bet he's upset! He plays a wizen chief-monk of an order that doesn't seem to be worshiping anything in particular. But they are suitably attired in robes and carry candles, so I guess that means that they must have Religion. Oh don't get me started!

Ron Perlman contemplates how to spend his pay cheque in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008
Ron Perlman contemplates how to spend his pay cheque
in The Mutant Chronicles, Grosvenor Park Productions 2008


Okay, the cast are sh*t, but what about the mutants? Well, if you've seen one Necromutant then you've seen them all, with their long pointy right arms and stapled heads. I was underwhelmed right from the off.

I'm struggling to make any sense of all this... everything is confused. Take the end credits as an example, where it tells you that: 'No animals were harmed during the making of this motion picture'. I'm not surprised... there are no animals in this motion picture!

That's it. No more. On the Triple-B I'm going to give you 1 evacuation ticket. Go on! Get the heck out of here!


2 comments:

  1. did you mean to point me to 'The Mutant Chronicles' on my review of 'Mutants'....?
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yep - confusing isn't it! :-D

    Ha ha... I seem to remember that I'd asked you your opinion of it there and so I was simply closing the loop. And as usual Joel... your gut instinct was right... this film sucks!

    ReplyDelete