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4 October 2011

Doomed (2006)

I think that I may have been a little short-sighted.

"You can't judge an island by its palm trees!"
Doomed, Zombie Apocalypse 2006

Last month I reviewed two terrible films: The first was Romero's shoddy Land of the Dead; The second was the confused and annoying Zombie Honeymoon. If you remember, I awarded both disasters 1 point on the dark and deeply distressing Triple-B.

And now I'm kind of stuck, because I just watched a film that is worse than both of these films put together.

What am I going to do?

Sentences are harsh in 2020
Doomed, Zombie Apocalypse 2006

Picture this scenario:
5 Teams
3 Days
1 Objective... To Stay Alive
It's the future... 2020 to be exact. 10 unlikely looking criminals are given a last chance of freedom when they are dumped on a deserted island called Isola de Romero. The game is to survive. The prize is a full pardon and a cash prize of fifty million dollars! Given that between them they're doing about a thousand years of time with half of the reprobates having been sentenced to death, it's not clear to me why there needed to be a cash incentive, but there is.

♫ It's close to midnight ♫
♫ Something evil's lurkin' in the dark ♫

Doomed, Zombie Apocalypse 2006

Actually, the island isn't deserted at all! It's inhabited by zombie soldiers! Here we have sprinting, growling, vaguely undead troopers. I'm thinking more Dessert Rats than Desert Rats judging by the shape of some of them. Boom Boom! At first, I thought they might have been monkeys the way they were jumping around, but no, they're people... or at least they were before they were infected in a failed "Government" experiment.

Aim for the head!
Doomed, Zombie Apocalypse 2006

Doomed must have been made for late-night TV. It's not even wide-screen. That tells me something. It's the sort of film you watch after a heavy night out on the tiles whilst you sit on your settee wondering which idiot has spilt kebab juice all down your best shirt. Don't pretend that you haven't been there! And it's invariably on a channel you never knew existed... or will ever find again.

Asian chick with Samurai sword...and one trouser leg
Doomed, Zombie Apocalypse 2006

The dialogue is well-worn with tired little clich├ęs like "I'll sleep when I'm dead!" and other nonsense. The plot is predictable and slow. There were no scares to speak of, and the acting makes Jason Statham look quite sophisticated and adept. He's not in this film by the way, so I guess that's worth one point!

One thing that did wind me up was the insistence on panting. Everybody was doing it! It seemed like a little acting trick they'd been sharing around the cast. Even when they hadn't been doing too much of anything in particular, every other word was separated by a pained pant.

Our Host
Doomed, Zombie Apocalypse 2006

I do like the DVD cover. It has a 70s Exploitation feel to it with the big red hand print and the moody lady with a sword. I guess the film is an Exploitation film of sorts... exploitation of prisoners... but this is not an Exploitation film by any stretch of the imagination.

That's enough gibber-gabber...

So... there should be no surprises when I announce on the Triple-B that I'm going to locate the 1 boat on the island and sail to safety. Ha ha ha... What could possibly go wrong?


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